The Anchor Holds!

Dream

Ok, so last night I had a dream Mom was here.  I drempt she was dead but here in her body still.  We talked, shared what's been going on and she basically didn't want to leave me alone.  Then suddenly she started getting sick. She was running a fever and come to find out it was an illusion I was living.  Actually, the reality was I had a dead, rotting body in the house and I didn't even know it.  She was still attached to her body and that was what was causing my Mom's fever in my world of illusion.  I drempt that she didn't want to go.  That she still wanted to be connected because I needed her.  I had to say I let you go Mom.  I'd be happier knowing she's in heaven than hanging on for me.  I ended up waking up and saying those same words again.  I do hope she's not staying here but that she's gone to heaven and when she is here it's as an angel, not a ghost.

Fear of the future

This is where I am... fearful of a life without my Mother.  Yes, I can't imagine having a life without her input.  I talked to her at least twice a day every day.  Now, I have to figure out life without her input.  She was my best friend, my confidant, my safe haven.  Now, I'm in a world that doesn't care, doesn't listen and attacks at every turn. <sigh> will I ever find a haven again?

Bloodwork

Don't you hate when the Dr. leaves a message on your phone saying the results of your blood test are in and he wants to talk about it???  When I saw that he called his office was already closed. :( So of course my mind races as to what it can be.... thyroid is worse? diabetes developed? (have no symptoms though) Ex boyfriend gave me a present that lasts forever? Well I'll have to wait and see.. tomorrow it will be revealed.  There is nothing I can do about it tonight so I am not going to worry!

Empty

The weekend comes.. along with the pain in my heart.  I miss her so much!  This is so hard to do!

Rumors

I can't stand people who start rumors just for the hell of it.  I can't believe the same people are spreading the same shit about me even after I addressed it head on months ago and corrected them.  I'm at a loss.  I'm so frustrated and pissed that it's just not funny.  I am starting to hate this place just because I am getting overworked, doing the job of 2 and now even my personality is coming into question.  This never happened before!

Bad day

Today is extremely emotional for me.  I visited a friend and ended up catching her husband up on all that had happened to me this year... needless to say I was tearing up sometimes.  So, I get in my car, turn on the radio and the song Immortal from Evanstance is on... it's at the chorus that talks about being there for you always...that's all it took for me to cry hysterically the rest of the way home.  I just stopped crying in fact and am exhausted.. so much for venturing out.. I don't think I'll do that again for a while.