The Anchor Holds!

Dream

Ok, so last night I had a dream Mom was here.  I drempt she was dead but here in her body still.  We talked, shared what's been going on and she basically didn't want to leave me alone.  Then suddenly she started getting sick. She was running a fever and come to find out it was an illusion I was living.  Actually, the reality was I had a dead, rotting body in the house and I didn't even know it.  She was still attached to her body and that was what was causing my Mom's fever in my world of illusion.  I drempt that she didn't want to go.  That she still wanted to be connected because I needed her.  I had to say I let you go Mom.  I'd be happier knowing she's in heaven than hanging on for me.  I ended up waking up and saying those same words again.  I do hope she's not staying here but that she's gone to heaven and when she is here it's as an angel, not a ghost.

Fear of the future

This is where I am... fearful of a life without my Mother.  Yes, I can't imagine having a life without her input.  I talked to her at least twice a day every day.  Now, I have to figure out life without her input.  She was my best friend, my confidant, my safe haven.  Now, I'm in a world that doesn't care, doesn't listen and attacks at every turn. <sigh> will I ever find a haven again?

Bloodwork

Don't you hate when the Dr. leaves a message on your phone saying the results of your blood test are in and he wants to talk about it???  When I saw that he called his office was already closed. :( So of course my mind races as to what it can be.... thyroid is worse? diabetes developed? (have no symptoms though) Ex boyfriend gave me a present that lasts forever? Well I'll have to wait and see.. tomorrow it will be revealed.  There is nothing I can do about it tonight so I am not going to worry!

Empty

The weekend comes.. along with the pain in my heart.  I miss her so much!  This is so hard to do!

Rumors

I can't stand people who start rumors just for the hell of it.  I can't believe the same people are spreading the same shit about me even after I addressed it head on months ago and corrected them.  I'm at a loss.  I'm so frustrated and pissed that it's just not funny.  I am starting to hate this place just because I am getting overworked, doing the job of 2 and now even my personality is coming into question.  This never happened before!

Bad day

Today is extremely emotional for me.  I visited a friend and ended up catching her husband up on all that had happened to me this year... needless to say I was tearing up sometimes.  So, I get in my car, turn on the radio and the song Immortal from Evanstance is on... it's at the chorus that talks about being there for you always...that's all it took for me to cry hysterically the rest of the way home.  I just stopped crying in fact and am exhausted.. so much for venturing out.. I don't think I'll do that again for a while.

Fishing

Why do people fish for information?  Why don't they just ask?  Are they chicken? Embarrassed? The reason is I find out my ex is now fishing for information about me and what's going on.. mind you he knew my mom had passed away a while ago and has said NOTHING about it.. no sympathy card, no I'm sorry it didn't work out between us but I heard about your Mom and I'm sorry your going through this.. how hard is that?  This just proves that he's an ass who only cares about himself and never gives a damn about anyone else!

I caught a smile

I actually caught myself smiling today on the way home.  A face I'm not use to having lately.  As soon as I recognized it it was gone.  Memories and sadness rushed to the forefront again creating the frown I'm all too familiar with lately.

Lawyers!

Why is it that lawyers feel like they don't have any obligation to respond quickly to your requests?  Aren't we their customers?  Aren't we paying them?  So why do they feel they don't need to spend too much attention to your needs?  I'm confused!  Currently I have 2 cases I want them to work on.  Hired them for over two weeks ago and am still waiting on them developing a contract for the second one but it just seems they are dragging their feet!

Foresight or not?

I have a strange feeling.. It's not a feeling I've had before only after my ex Bozo left.  I felt him coming home.  I don't know why, but yesterday and last night I felt like I did when waiting for him to come home.  It was almost like I knew or expected him to come home after a hard days work.  Very strange.  I don't know where that came from.  Especially since I'm very aggravated and upset that that insensitive retard knows that my mother has passed away and never even sent a card or a sorry or nothing.  That's a man that is solely focused on him and his wants and needs.  Very selfish and self centered.  So, knowing this I certainly hope it's not foresight.
I am also starting conversations with my mother.  I know she's gone but I can here her as if she's here.  I don't know if it's just me knowing what she'd say or not so I find sometimes I am answering her back.  Very strange I know.  Anyway, I just wanted to document my feelings to check what they are.  I really hope, unless he's changed significantly, that it's not foresight.

It's like a broken record that I am forced to play

I want to call Mom so bad and share with her all of my activities throughout the day.  I want to hear her opinions. I wan her take on things.  I want her still in my life!!!  Yet I have to catch myself and say, no, she is not there any longer.  No one will answer that phone call.  No one is on the other line! 

One good day

You know, I have finally had one good day.  I have been in an up mood all day, I met my friend for dinner and had a lovely time and I'm still in a good mood at the end of the day.  This is the first day I've been like this.  I do feel the clouds are lifting over my eyes and I'm starting to see, feel, breath again.

Ummm WOW!

Let the pampering begin!  I had my first thorough massage in my life!  That had to be the best experience I've had in a long long time! WOW!  I'm exhausted and ready for bed!  After 2 hours of that I forgot my name, let alone my troubles! lol  Needless to say that is a permanent scheduled event monthly!  I say monthly because I don't think I can take much more than that! lol  Off to sleep and dream!  Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day at work.  <Let's hope> I'm sure I'll have a smile on my face all day.. plus a certain glow lolol ;)  Who needs a boyfriend when you have a male masseuse?  I'm just saying... lol  I realize my ex boyfriend wasn't all that much either lol

Weekend Tears

Every weekend is full of tears, every weekend is full of pain as the memories flood my mind and the loss is fresh and constantly on my mind.  It's as if I'm on hold the entire week, saved from the sadness and it wait's and pounces me on the weekend taking over everything I do.  I do feel like however that I can begin doing my normal activities again.  I've taken care of the back yard, which is a start.  Next weekend I'll do more.  Either do the new exercise or replant the plant that was at my mom's funeral.  I don't know which I'll do.. maybe both.  I know I have my massage tomorrow.. I am very excited about that!  I hope it's a good one!  I hope it's more than I expect! <giggle> I could use some excitement and thrill right now.  Speaking of which I have my flight arrangements all set for the vacation of a lifetime!  Including Male Angels! lol  I'm feeling so liberating!  Also, my ex (idiot) sent me a Linked In invite.  I then sent it back and asked him what that was.. he said it must have been an automatic response and that he didn't send it.. Bullshit!  I have Linked In and it asks me to confirm that's who I want to send to.  He's full of shit!  That's ok... I'm definitely at the point I don't need or want him back.  He never pampered me and that's exactly what I need, complete pampering!  Honestly I don't think there is a man out there able to treat me the way I need to be treated!  With honesty, respect, loyalty, consideration and putting me first before them.  What men don't realize is once you do that to a woman the woman then in turn puts your needs in front of hers.. in fact I tend to do that even if they are retards and selfish.. that's why No MORE!  NO MORE spoiling others.. now it's spoiling me!

Everything is about money!

I want to know why it's so damn difficult to close transactions on behalf of my mother when the accounts are under my name anyway.. WTF! I can't stand this!  This is so damn irritating!  Plus, my car dealer was going to rip me off $500 if I hadn't noticed it wasn't included in the car details!  WTF?  So now I have a check coming.. everything is just so damn hard!

Exhausted

Emotionally I'm exhausted.  I'm numb still.. thinking it never did happen.  I am in a daze whenever I have to tell someone my mother is dead.  Really? my mind asks... really? she's gone? YES, I say back, she's gone!
 I also made mistakes at work lately.. me who prides herself on not making mistakes made 2 embarrassing ones. I hate that.  I'm planning my next massage.. that's coming up on Tuesday.. here's hoping it's more :) lol the unknown is kinda exciting!
I'm also planning an all inclusive vacation away.. all inclusive being men, food, stay and drink!  I figure they are safer than picking up strangers at a bar lol.  Besides, I want people to wait on me hand and foot.  I think I deserve that!  It's not the idea of the "exercise" that I'm looking forward to but just the attention and not having to do anything for it. lol Just be there and have people try to engage me in conversation and make sure I'm feeling comfortable.  I've been doing that for people all my life.. now it's my turn lol

Taking what I want

I've decided I am no longer waiting to see what life has in store for me.  I'm going to just go after what I want.. for instance.. I had the most awesome.. mind numbing, toe curling massage you could ever want.  I will no longer be dictated by needs unfulfilled.. I will take control of my life and take care of me.  I am now the most important person in my life...All the others have left me.

Will I ever care again?

When you lose everything you cherish there isn't anything left to care about.  I'm left empty, emotionless and alone.  I grieve for the return of life as I knew it a year ago.  Instead I sit here.  I have forgetful friends.  Two of them made plans to spend time with me this week and weekend and I think both of them forgot.  I don't have the energy to remind them either....will it ever feel better?

Still frozen

I still feel like I'm not here.. as if I am watching this horrific movie.  When I'm at work I can escape and pretend everything is ok.. when I go home I am just here.  I've never kept a frown before in my life yet now I can't stop.  I'm not happy, I'm not joyful. I'm empty.  I care less about my ex now. I realized I hadn't picked well because I really didn't need a person to depend on.. I had my mom.  Now, I'm left with nothing. None of my ex's were ever worth anything really.  I believe I'm finally realizing this about my latest.  I really don't want him back.  I'm starting to realize I don't like him at all and that he's more my father than any of them I've dated before.  I miss you Mom.  I'm so ... so... empty.  I don't know if I'll ever enjoy life again.

Breakdown

It's terrible when you break down to complete strangers!  I mean I feel like I"m putting such a burden on a complete stranger to hear my woes.  I had to go to the bank today and present her death certificate.. I never realized what an emotional event that would be for me.  I literally cried in the bankers office for at least an hour.  She was extremely nice about it.. an angel.  One more dark day in the black chapters of my book.

She's gone.....my mother is gone..........

I have no more feelings... I am a zombie now normally and when I'm not I am crying.  I miss her so much! People just don't realize how close I was to my mother.. she was my best friend!  She was my family.. my only connection to my family back home.  She was a HUGE part of my life.  I don't know what to feel.. I don't know how to act.. I honestly don't know what to live for.  I'm not suicidal but if a car ran me over right now I wouldn't really care.  Everything else in my life is menial.  The only things keeping me going are my pets and my job.. neither of them can I take with me to heaven and neither of them are big defining elements in life.. but yet that is what my existence right now boils down to.  She is gone...

She's back in the hospital

Just when I'm starting to get focused on me.. she is back in the hospital.  I swear God wants me to be an emotional cripple.  I don't know what to feel anymore.  I was so desperate this weekend that I called a root reader.. that's right.  I do still believe all are spirits and some people are gifted with more insight then others.  She said this is the dark before the dawn.. that this is the transformation stage of my life.. transformation? Transformation? What the hell?  I don't want any part of this! NONE!  I'm tired.. so tired of crying, of hurting, of yearning, of dreaming, of hoping, of everything... just tired.

I have lost my faith in Man

Again I'm reminded men are cheating scum!  Someone mentioned a soap opera I never expected from people whom I thought were above cheating.. yet... they did and expect to in the future.  Not only did they but 5 more men cheated as well.  Why?  Why am I surrounded by men who cheat on their wives?  Is this said of all men?  All men who are able?  It's terrible!  I might as well stay single and alone if this is the best God has to offer!  Didn't he create them in his image?  Why then this trait?  What is the reason?  Where does it stem from?  Greed, ego? What?

I know how you feel

Don't you hate when people tell you that?  I am so mad.  Someone told me yesterday that they understand and know how I feel.. that they were there before.. I felt like saying No,  your parents are alive and healthy.  All of the situations you were in you caused yourself.  You have absolutely no idea where I am.. NO CLUE!  I am just so mad.  There is nothing I've done that has put me in this situation.  If anything I have always tried to be the person doing the "right" thing.  I have always tried to be the best at giving my all.  And my reward?  SHIT!

Heart Scar

I never really realized what a heart scar was until now.  Those are injuries to the heart that you'll never truly get over.  I would consider this entire year one big heart scar! Losing Rusty, heart scar. Losing Roy twice, heart scar. Mom dieing of cancer, heart scar. Auntie and her heart attack and stroke, heart scar.  I am an open wound that may never heal.

My promise to myself

If this is all that life is.. I vow to travel all I can come next year.  Once my debt for Rusty is paid I will take the time to enjoy life and all that every location has to offer.  If that's what my life comes down to then so be it.

To my Aunt, words she may never hear or now understand...

My Aunt has just suffered from a stroke.  I am told that she no longer can speak and her vision is limited.  Yesterday she wasn't even recognizing people, but today I think she's better.  Her speech may never come back.  For confidentiality sake I am calling her Auntie.
Auntie, I feel I am morning a part of you that is no longer there.  My heart breaks as I know you miss your independence.  You were such a strong lady who could overcome any problems with a shrug of your shoulders.  Now, your found knocking on neighbors doors without knowing who or where you are.  I will never forget our time on the cruise.  How we would relax and enjoy all that was around us and pick on Mom as she had men try to pick her up.  I will never forget your fiery spirit that is willing and capable of fighting any adversity.  I am hoping it is still there.  I've been told it may come back after 6 or 8 months, that your personality and speech may return, or it may not.  I love you and miss you.  You are always a part of my heart as I have always thought of you as my second mother.  I always knew you would be on my side whenever I stood up for Mom and everyone else was on Dad's side.  I always knew you had my back and I appreciated that.  I really felt your love when you stood up to Dad in the hospital the one time he wanted to hurt me after I defended Mom's wishes while she was recovering from the transplant.  I could always trust you to take care of mom when I couldn't.  For all of those times I thank you! I love you and hope you will return to us soon!

Emotionally spent

I don't have any tears to cry.  My Aunt is fighting for her life and suffering from a stroke and I don't have any more tears to cry.  I wish I did... I love my Aunt as my second mother.  She's always been there for me.  I should have more tears but I don't.. I'm so so sorry.  I think my body is just in shock.  Maybe I'm still just in the numb stage and nothing has hit yet.  Maybe I'm in crisis mode and won't crash until later.  I don't know...

Calm

A calm has set over my heart.  I was in Facebook and came across the messages my ex and I exchanged.  I had this calm feeling too that it's still not over.  I don't know why it's comforting but I still believe there is more to be played out.  Only time will tell.  Of course I won't tell many people this because everyone will think I'm crazy to even consider or think about this.  Work is going by so fast that the weeks fly by.  I have so many things to do that it's lunchtime before I know it and then I look up and it's time to go home.  I guess it's good I'm diving so deep into my work.  It's better than feeling sorry for myself.

Dreams

I hate when you have a dream that's so real you wake up and believe it. Then a few seconds later reality hits.  Right before my grandmother died my mom would dream about her Dad that had passed away.  I dreamed last night of Uncle Myron.  I dreamed he was alive and ended up in the hospital the same time Mom did.  I dreamed he had a stroke instead of the cancer he died of.  I also dreamed I was there visiting with him.  It was the winter time because he commented on the snow.  I dreamed I was spending time with him before he left.  He was calming me down and stroking my hair.  I woke up and instantly thought I better call my uncle to tell him about the dream.  Then, reality hit. He's been dead for over 8 years now.  My heart hurt.  I got scared too.  Like I said, my family starts having dreams of the dead before someone goes away.  I have a feeling her time is in the winter.  I hope to God I'm wrong.  Needless to say that's been a cloud hanging over my head all day.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake it.  I cried this morning not only for my mom but for missing my uncle as well.  And life goes on doesn't it?  But at what quality?

Why do people dwell in ignorance?

I will tell you right now Dr.'s are just as human as you and I. I don't trust them. Knowing all of the mistakes they have made on others we love how can it be that my family still trusts them completely without question?  What kind of crap is that?  I call it laziness!  Do some damn research and find out what is good and what is not.  Don't just trust someone blindly.  That is hiding in ignorance.  It's very frustrating to watch!  Oh well, I wish I knew how to walk through that minefield of my family.  I can walk through any other minefield except my own families.  Why is that?

Blue Scorpion Venom

Ok folks.. looks like I'm planning a trip to Cuba.. that's right I said Cuba!  I heard they are producing the Blue Scorpion Venom serum that actually fights cancer.  It's incredible.  Someone at work who's from Cuba said she went and got it for her mom and her mom is getting better!  Of course it's a little intimidating to go but I will if it will help Mom.  I'll do anything for her!  I'm seeing how much the trip costs.  I can't believe it.  Can you imagine how paralyzed I'd feel if I didn't have a passport?  Wow, it's amazing that I just got mine last year!  Well, will keep you posted.  I'm kinda excited for this new adventure!  Cuba, here I come!

Wow I didn't realize I had so much crying to do

So, I'm watching The Chronicles of Narnia the Voyage of the Dawn Treader and I realize I am really not over crying yet.  I am sobbing throughout this entire movie.  I am sure that's not a normal reaction.  I fell apart right when Ashland tells Lucy that she doesn't realize her worth.  That hit home for me.  I am just struggling in this sea of crap.  I'm trying to hold my head above water but on days like today I was just sinking to the bottom.  I have been told that I need to do something for myself.  The movie was suppose to be that, but I'm afraid it didn't work that way!  There are just so many things to cry over.  Grief surrounds me just waiting to burst out like it did today.  Honestly, if it weren't for my animals getting hungry I would probably still be on the floor crying.  I don't know how I can go on like this.  Lord, I hope you have better plans than this for me cause this sucks!

I'm sufficating!

I can't take it.  I am overwhelmed by the unknown.  I know I need to live in the moment.  So the moment is this... my mother is now downgraded to a walker.  She isn't doing well at all.  My ex is back in town.. and he is still a jerk.  My car is not coming along at all.  It's not so bad when I write it out but each one of those holds it's own pain.  Combined it's overwhelming.  I'm going to try to live in the moment today.. I promise!

Really... I mean REALLY???

Why do men assume women are stupid?  Don't they realize by doing that they look like the fools?  So I had a call today that the plant where my car was ordered from shut down due to heat??? WHAT? That I can't get my car now until October... WHAT?  I'm sorry I never heard of a plant closing for heat.  So I called another Ford dealership and asked them if the plant shut down due to HEAT... they said no and that orders are going on business as usual. WTF?  So I called the Ford company themselves and complained about that dealership.. if anyone is curious the CRAPPY DEALERSHIP is KEITH HAWTHORN SOUTH BLV CHARLOTTE, NC and the idot that told me this is DEVRON!  Moron!  So I had that headache to deal with today..

The other headache I had is my mamogram. I was worried that I had a lump and the Dr. had felt it too so made and appointment.  This was my first time taking the mamogram and I was scared.  I hadn't told my family about this because they are going through enough with Mom and I certainly didn't want to worry her.  So, I am taking the test and notice the technician is acting a little weird.  She wanted me to stay on the table and wait for the Dr.  Then she said that the Dr. may want to check something and she left the room.  I was in tears!  I mean I was crying I was so scared... everything was running through my head.. I was so afraid I had cancer.  It was a very emotional moment.  Then the Dr. came in, said I was ok and that she just saw a lymph node show up on the test and wanted to look for it on the monitor.. well, it didn't show up so I need to be retested in 6 months.  WHAT A RELIEF!

The third and final headache of today is.. I found out my ex is due back in town tomorrow.  Why did I find this out now?  My friend had disconnected to Facebook and just decided to pop back on for a second to find info on a friend and saw that... WTF?  I hate knowing.  Now I know he spent the last 4 weeks with the women he planned on and had his affairs just as he scheduled.  No second thoughts of me anywhere in his pee little brain.  I'm extremely exhausted from all the emotion I dealt with today.  I feel alone, scared, little and vulnerable.  I feel like a child who's hiding in a corner trying to cover up from the world and all the bad meanies in it....

I so hope life is more than this...

New Chapter - Beginnings

Ok, here I'm going to list all the new things I'm getting that are different and a change to help me visualize my new chapter in life:

Cleaning Service
Car
Pest Control Company
Job
This Blog
Craigs List to sell my shawls
Cat (Romeo) and Dog (Woody)

So there is the list, not very big but still has a great impact and affect on my life.  I think I'll start creating a Blog on here too to sell my shawls as well.  I am not sure I have any confidence in Craigs List.

It's funy how grief works

I was feeling good.. as I said earlier until later last night I was trying to get my dog to behave and instead of calling him by his name I called my deceased "Rusty" my yellow lab baby.  The other dog Lady who knew and loved Rusty well started wagging her tail and sadness suddenly descended over me again.  We both miss Rusty more than words can describe.  It's like a hole is in my heart that can never be filled again.  A part of me is gone.  With Rusty I could always count on his support no matter what I was doing.  When I'd cry he would just hug me, when I'd scream he'd just look at me and tilt his head.  When I was sick he would lay beside me.  I miss those nights he snored in my ear.  I miss his licks and love.  I miss his hugs, I miss his support.  With Mom moving towards the end of her life I am scared.  Scared that I'll not have any support.  Scared I'll walk off that cliff.

I'm actually starting to laugh again

It was such a strange sound last night.  I was watching True Blood and I was laughing out loud.  I haven't done that in a while now.  It sounded so strange to my ears yet good.  My genuinely upbeat disposition is starting to return.  I'm not dulled by pain today nor was I this weekend. 

In fact, both of my dogs and my cat were under the weather yesterday and I didn't go into a panic.  Instead I just took care of things and asked questions in the morning to some co workers whom I know would give me good advice.  They think it's due to the heat and to just check on them for the next couple of days.  If they don't get better then call the vet.  No panic, no crying no outbursts and no feeling like the world is crashing in on me.  It was a good feeling to almost be normal again.

I think I am also starting to get energy back as well.  I have the desire to go out again and involve myself in activities.  I will see where this will take me but I'm starting to come back... if only for a little while.  It's as if I've risen to the top of the water for another breath before I go underwater again.  Let's just hope it lasts.

The I can only imagine girl

I want to go back to being the I can only imagine girl instead of the I understand girl.  I can only imagine girl hasn't yet been through the pain of life, can't imagine the pain of others but tries.  The I understand girl lived it, survived it, wrote about it and is in it. 

People however appreciate more the I understand girl cause there is someone who knows my pain, knows my suffering and has lived it, is living it.  It's always a good feeling to know you are not the only one feeling such loss and pain.  However, I would prefer to be the I can only imagine.  I use to care about helping others and wanting to suffer so I could help others.  Now I"m over it.  I just want the pain to stop. 

It's like when you hit your hand or fingers with the hammer by accident.  Everything around you seems minimal.  Your only concern is WOW my hand hurts SO BAD!  You stare at it and check if anything is broken, but your main focus is your hand.  Not if your friend will hit their hand also or what everyone around you is doing.  It's you.  You and your pain are the main focus until the pain subsides or goes completely away.  That's where I am.  I really don't care about life around me.. just my pain.  When will it stop?  When will it ease?  How can I make it ease? 

If you could plan out your life would you be where you are today?

I know the answer to that for me would be no.  I use to want kids.. sometimes I still wish I had them.  Realistically however I love to travel.  I love being free enough to go anywhere I want without burdens.  Children wouldn't allow me to do that.  I also however would have a partner that loves to travel as well.  I'd be happily married, settled down and a jet setter with my hubby.  That's the picture of my perfect life.  However it's not my reality.  It's funny.  My brothers have all found someone to marry.. yet, the one who wanted the married life the most is the one that ends up single.  Why is it whatever I really wish I had the most I never get?  Why is that?  Life isn't worth much really.  I mean I look at what I've done in my life and who I am.. in the scheme of things does it matter?  Really, this life sucks, this world sucks.  Pain is everywhere and the only job we have is to somehow function under it.  I say big deal.  I'm still angry with God right now.  Angry that he put me where I am, angry that I am alone, angry that he allowed all this shit to hit the fan at the same time, angry he took all my support away from me.  Angry I'm alone.

Why are women so catty?

I don't understand it.  Why are women in the South so catty? Why do they enjoy tearing other people down and gossiping behind their back?  I can't stand it.  I was always raised to be honest, trustworthy and if I have a problem with someone or assume they said anything I will go to them and ask directly.  Yes, that's right... someone at work chose to start stupid rumors about me that are obviously not true but they figure will start an uproar.  Once I heard that I headed it off the pass.  I talked to the group directly, cleared it up and today I will talk directly to the individual.  This can not continue!  This is stupid and all it does is hinder the company and progress.  Just do your work!  It's not only work where I've had this happen but at church too.  I think women here are just so insecure that they have to tear anyone else down that seems better than them.  I was actually told that I intimidate others... me.. ha!  Now I have no idea why.  I haven't fired anyone here yet, I haven't yelled at anyone I haven't done anything to make people fear me.  All I do is stand behind the company policies.  What the heck is wrong with that? If someone does not do their job then they should worry but if they are doing their job I have no qualms with them at all.  It's extremely frustrating.  Sometimes I'm embarrassed that I am a women because they can act so badly.  That's all they do here.. if they aren't being catty then they are trying to manipulate their husbands or someone else.  It's terrible!  Who the hell do they think they are stirrup up shit and talking about others and assuming about others?

He's coming to town

I'm scared.  I thought of him this morning as I was driving into work and I got this fear over me and remembered he's driving down here soon.  He will be in the area August 1st.  I am scared on 2 counts.  One I'm scared he might reach out to me and I will fall all over again and Two I'm scared he won't contact me and I'll be shattered.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I still love him.  How does one get over another?  Will I ever stop loving him?  With all of this tragedy surrounding me I fear I'll always feel this way and never advance.  I couldn't talk to my mom today.  She wasn't speaking well so cut the conversation short again.  I'm confused about that as well.  She's at stage 4 cancer with it in her lungs, bones and head yet the Dr.s are saying it's small and manageable.  Really? I never heard that before.  They are starting radiation and chemo is continuing.  I'm just so confused.  I'm scared that I'll start believing the Dr's and end up shocked when she crashes. I'm surrounded by so much SHIT!  I just want to be able to cry in someone's arms who cares......yea... well I will have to settle for a furry hug.  Romeo's been gone now for a full day.  That's the longest he's been gone.  Figures just when I got use to a schedule of his he changes it.. just like a MAN!  I wonder if I will ever have happy days again.  I wonder if I'll ever love someone again and feel so comfortable.  I wonder if there are nice guys out there that aren't addicted to porn, or want to have sex with as many women as they can find.  I wonder.....These have to be the darkest days of my life so far.  When Mom leaves I'll feel so separated and alone.  I really don't know how I'll stand.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Romeo the wanderer

I have decided that my cat is just like my ex the Bozo.  He likes wandering around outside and yet comes back for his food and rest.  Then he goes out once again gallivanting through all the neighborhood, flirting and chasing all the other cats.  What is it about men that they aren't ever satisfied with just one female?  Why did God make them crave others?  For that matter, why did God make woman want to just settle for one man?  Why couldn't we be the prowlers?  Oh well, those are the questions I will probably always be faced with.

Overall I had a good weekend.  I love the feel of accomplishment when I have succeeded in finishing my "to do" list.  I still have more to do but I have accomplished most of my critical to do's.  Now I look forward to another good week at work.  I do love my job and can easily get lost in it.  I like being the authority there in HR even if I have to report to corporate for every move I make.  I also like knowing that in a few years I will be Corporate.  That will be wonderful!

Yes, my hand is crushed!

So I told you that I got a new car.  What I didn't tell you is the pain that I experienced in getting it.  As soon as I got there it was like the men wanted to show me just how strong of a grip they have.  I couldn't believe it.  It was amazing that they think it's cool to shake and grip a woman's hand as hard as they can.  What were they trying to prove?  I'm sure they knew it was hurting!  So three weeks later and I am still in pain once in a while.  Every time someone shook my hand after was like reopening a wound.  I'm sure that my bone must be splintered or something.. The bottom of my hand where it connects to the pinkie is just in pain.  Men, all the more reason to have disdain for them!  Too bad I don't... I never learn.  Hopefully it will heal and next time, I when I go to pick up my car, I won't extend my hand at all.  I don't know why but I feel empty today.. more so than usual.  I finished all my weekend "to do" list and just feel....empty, hallow.  I wish I had enough energy or even desire to go out with my friends but the most important to me this weekend was to be with me... I needed downtime to veg out and I guess feel.  I feel alright, I feel empty.  I wonder what Bozo's doing still... I wonder if he misses me.  I wonder if he even thinks about me.  I bet he's too busy hopping from one bed to another.  Even to think about that is like a dagger.  Oh well.  I plan on meeting all new people at my new job and having all new friends.  Hopefully this chapter is so much better than the one I just closed!

Within Temptation - Angels

Continuing catchup

Ok, so now I've talked to you about Rusty.  One point I forgot to mention, the total bill of his tragedy came to $4,700.  Needless to say there goes my trip to Europe.  Don't get me wrong, I would pay anything to take care of my baby but that's what I had to say goodbye to as I recover both financially and emotionally. 

So, the day I get back to work I get a call from my brother, my mother is in the hospital with severe pain.  I promptly left work, packed up some clothes and my other dog Lady and traveled up north to see her.  Long story short she is in stage 4 lung cancer and has since then had bouts in the hospital for one reason or another.  To continue this tragic telling, I return to work after visiting for a week and am faced with the realization that the company I am working for doesn't have any respect for people or their suffering.  Instead, I was threatened to ensure I could make my "numbers" as far as recruiting goes.  These numbers I was told had to be met by the end of the month or else.  Well, being an HR person I know this is inappropriate behavior and decided to start looking for a job.  I wasnt' too worried about that because I had this idea, since my ex was still calling every day and concerned, that we could some how get together.  He had just recevied a promotion that had included free room and board in Arizona for 8 months and in NC for 4 months.  I was fantasizing how I could leave this place behind me and move in with him.  After all, isn't that what I did for him earlier?  I figured since he was calling every day wanting updates and concerned that of course he would want us to get back together....<cough> yes, I am naive. 

Of course my friends look out for me more than I look out for myself which I am very greatful for! One of my friends knew a very good company moving into the area.  They asked her if she knew anyone that she would recommend for the HR person at that site.  Next thing I knew she submitted my resume and they called me for an interview.  I'm not sure if I was excited about the chance or just flattered but I went on the interview and it went well.  Needless to say my ex was thrilled for me that I was looking for another job which sent me a red flag that I completely ignored. 

I'm going to start referring to my ex here as Bozo, since he's got a big red nose and it somehow makes me feel better. :)  Anyway, Bozo started playing a cat and mouse game with me.  I had previously suspected he was a narcissist but never actually had believed it in my heart until lately.  He'd play this game of I miss you yet I'm dating and sleeping with others.  I was confused and I think that was his goal.  I thought well maybe he has to get that out of his system before he returns to me.. yet I just think now he's an ASS.  So anyway, I decided I needed to get clarity on our "relationship" and where we were.  I mean every time he mentioned he slept with someone I would get sick to my stomach and hate his guts.  Yet, then next he would call and say how much he missed me and how I was the best he ever had and blah blah blah.. I'm sure you get the picture.  Anyway, I decided I was going to meet Bozo in Arizona and see if I really still felt anything for him and if we could try to work towards a relationship again.  During this planning I ended up getting a call from the company I interviewed for and I got the job.  I was excited but still felt like this would be a temporary thing until I ended up with Bozo again.  Of course I know now that's not happening.

I'll give you a brief summary of what happened.. we ended up together when I visited, I thought he was really interested in pursuing a relationship again, we acted as if we never split up.  I get home and a week later he tells me (right before I start the new job) that he was never the right man for me and that he wants to sleep around and I don't.  So that ended that.

Now let me describe where I am now.  I love my new job, my mom is dieing of cancer and may not live past Christmas, my support system is gone and my friends are there sometimes, and sometimes not.  That's why I decided to blog here.  I feel like I need to talk this out but I don't have a lot of avenues to do that.  So I'm using this venue.  I'm sure it's ok since I am just going to talk about my boring life and let's face it, it's not all that great! 

Oh, the other wonderful thing that happened (and I say that sarcastically) is that thanks to Obama and the crash my house is about $40,000 under water.  Fun huh?  All my neighbors have either foreclosed or are walking away from the townhouse because they can't sell it.   It's a long story as to why and I won't bore you with it but let's just say it was a good neighborhood when I first moved in and had tons of potential.  Now, it's in a bad neighborhood where I don't even feel comfortable walking my dogs at night.  Yes, I said in plural dogs.

My family has grown to 2 dogs now and a cat.  The extra dog found me at my previous job.  He was ematiated and looked at me with these helpless eyes asking for mercy.  I brought him to the vet thinking he was dieing and needed to be put down yet the Vet said he was fine but had been lost in the woods for a while.  His name now is Woody.  The cat had decided that he was going to claim this house as his and persisted until finally my pet sitter convinced me to have her let the cat in and she named him Romeo.  So, while I don't attract people to me right now I am attracting animals. lol  I guess I am becoming the crazy person with tons of animals.  However, I don't intend to let any other strays in at this point!

It's funny, all my facebook friends from high school are turning 40 now too and it is painful.  It hurts because I know and hope they have the wonderful birthday I never had for this year.  I hope they can celebrate the 40's and look forward to experiencing it where I am dreading each day of my life.  Every morning I wake up wondering if I will get a call from my family saying come home.  I can't think past my mother right now.. I just know that when she does pass away it will not be an easy recovery.  In fact, I know someone will have to help pick me off the floor physically because I know my heart would be completely shattered at that point. As you can tell, I am very close to my mom.  She was always sickly and so, being the only girl, I took care of her most of my life.  My father was worthless and still is.  The family found out he had been cheating on my mom all the while she was sick and never EVER took care of her.  He always left that part to me while he went out and played sports or slept around.  I don't speak to him anymore.  To me he's dead.  I've tried several times to bridge the gap and have some sort of relationship with him yet his anger and bitterness towards my mother for his sins and shortcomings has overtaken him and he projects that on me. 

The one good thing that is happening that I'm excited about is I'm getting a 2012 Ford Fiesta!  It's going to be the candy blue with white leather interior.  It's being ordered so I won't have it until September.  I decided to get it since my current Honda CR-V seems to be falling apart and I'm still paying on it.  The Honda was the car for Rusty anyway.  He was such a big dog and I needed a car I could drive him and Lady comfortably back and forth up north with.  Well, I don't need that anymore.  In fact, Lady and Woody won't be going there probably often if at all.  My mother is too sick to have a lot of animals running around the house.  So, I just need a small car that will give me great mpg and that I decided was the Fiesta.  I don't think I got a good deal on it.  Although the more I talk to people the more I realize no one ever feels like they get a good deal when buying a new car from the sales people. That's just wrong in my opinion.  I felt like they took advantage of me being a female in there alone yet maybe they just do that to everyone.

Well, I'm going to sign off for now.  I've caught you up on this year and I'm sure as we go along you'll hear more and more as it relates to my random thoughts.

Reason to start - From the beginning

Well, here I am.  I said I should write this year down in books because it's just too unreal.  Instead I'll record it here.  I am also finding right now I need to feel I'm heard.  I'll use this spot as my voice in the wind.  Let me go to the beginning of this dreadful year and start there.  Actually it started last year.. preempting the year of 40. I heard on the radio yesterday they wanted people to call in if they ever had a moment of surprise they never saw coming.... that would cover my entire year.  But I digress... I'll begin the story.

So, last year right about this time I was blissfully happy.  My love of my life had moved in with me and we made a wonderful life together.  Don't get me wrong, there were moments I would pause in my head and say really?  Can I live with this behavior? Like when he'd scream and pout because I wanted to drive the car (my car) on occasions we'd go out.  He always insisted he drove because he was the "man".  I let him most of the time thinking it was just his insecurities and that they were more critical then my need for speed.  I would also pause when I would catch him watching porn.. really?  Then I figured well, what man doesn't?  But he would do that some nights instead of coming to bed with me.  Again, I excused it for being a man.  The other red flag, and the final straw for our relationship was the facebook friends.  Yes, he kept all his exes on facebook and some of his prior one night stands as well.  See, before I met him he traveled with a Renaissance Faire.  Yes, he is one of those.  He is a free spirit and in the beginning I figured he would just be a passing faze yet he claimed his devoted love for me and said he gave up that life to live with me.  Yes, again, I supported him financially while he was with me.. sucker, I know.  Anyway, so all his passing lovers were still facebooking and flirting on his FB.  That use to drive me absolutely crazy.  Finally, since he would leave his computer on and up, I decided to look on his FB to see what else his "girls" were sending him (the messages off line).  I discovered 2 that I was in shock over.  One was a detail description a girl had of him in a "dream" that she sent him and the other was an ex saying how she missed him.  Both I felt were inappropriate but it wasn't the fact that they e-mailed that upset me but his replies.  The first e-mail of the "dream" he corrected the girl and stated what position he would be in with her.  (I was so angry) The response to the ex was that he would be lying if he didn't say he thought about those times together and missed them occasionally as well.  Reading those I felt the walls closing in on me.  When I finally got the nerve to confront him on those he turned to me and said "Well, I think it's time I hit the road again anyway." It was like a splash of ice cold water was thrown in my face.  That was the first of the many shocking events that happened.  This was back in October. The ironic thing is this happened a couple days before our one year anniversary.  So he walked out, and I proceeded that night to dump his crap out on the front stoop for him to pick up.  The shock of that entire episode hadn't really worn off for months.  I was still grieving the loss in February when my dog got sick.

Let me start this year by also saying there are 2 things in this world I cherish.. or cherished that I knew I'd be shattered without.  One was my dog whom I raised since he was a puppy and the other is my Mom whom I've taken care of all my life.  My mother has always been sick with some ailment and I've been the one to step in and care for her.  In fact at one point I felt I gave up a lot of my social life and my youth taking care of her.  But I don't regret it.  She is a wonderful woman and my best friend.  Anyway, those two things I had always told my now ex were the 2 that I would be crushed to pieces if anything happened to either one of them.  Well, again now let's go back to February.  My dog Rusty started limping.  I was concerned and like any other good owner I brought him to the vet right away.   While he was at the vet I noticed his pain was getting worse.  He was having a hard time laying down and I could just tell he was hurting.  I will never forget when the vet techs came in to bring him to x-ray they had to carry him and before he left he looked at me with these eyes that said "I'm not ready to die yet"  Well, I was concerned needless to say.  The vet however told me he thought that the problem was a ruptured disc in his back and he should be fine in a couple days.  I was frantic and yet relieved that Rusty was going to be ok.  I asked one more time just to put myself at ease I asked the vet "So this is nothing that will kill him right?" He said no.  I trusted his word.  It was about that time as well that I found out my Mom had returning lung cancer.  My mom had been in serious pain for a while now and her eye started to droop.  They took tests and found that she had returning cancer and it was called Pancoast tumor.  Well, I did research on it all I could and found the average life expectancy of that is 4 - 8 months.. maybe a year but that the longest survival rate is 5 years.  Again I was devastated.  So, after the vet  visit I went home and slowly Rusty got worse instead of better.  Finally, I called the vet mobile and they carried my shaking, weak and sad dog on what would become his last car ride to the vet emergency.  At about this time my ex decided to reconnect with me.  He had heard my mom was sick and possibly dieing and I guess he either felt guilty or just wanted to get an ego boost.. I'm still not sure which one that is.  He started calling me every day and giving me encouragement or just listening as I cried.  At the emergency clinic I was told my dog Rusty was bleeding internally and his platelet levels were extremely low.  I asked what it looked like for Rusty and they just kept saying they think he'll be fine they just have to get the levels up.  They said he's not in crisis mode and everything looks like he'll recover but they have to investigate why he's there.  So I figured ok, fix him and bring him back.  Well, this was now mid February.  My 40th Birthday was coming up and I had plans to celebrate not that month but in the summer (right about now) to go to Paris and Italy with a friend from work to help turn the 40 mark with a remarkable event.  It was a remarkable event all right.  After hearing every day how Rusty was getting better and every night how he crashed again I finally got the dreaded call.  Now mind you I was visiting Rusty at every opportunity I had since the place had visiting hours.  I'd bring him food and just lay down on the nasty floor with him hugging him in the cage and telling him to pull through.  Valentines day came and my ex surprised me with flowers.  I started thinking well, maybe he really does care and is sorry for all he did. WRONG.. but I'll go into that later.  Anyway, I went to visit Rusty on my Birthday and thanked him for hanging in there and helping me have a wonderful day since he's still with me.  I was on cloud 9 because the Dr.s told me he didn't have cancer and that everything was going to be ok.  Well, again, that night he crashed.  The next day he refused to lift his head.  In fact, every time I went to visit him he looked worse.  I kept mentioning that to the nurses there but they just shrugged me off and said he's doped up on drugs and can't feel pain, but I knew better.  Anyway, the day after my birthday I went down to visit Rusty and it was like he was a zombie.  I knew he wouldn't be with me long then.  I kept telling him he can't leave me here that I needed him to help me through what's going on with Mom but I knew.  I knew this was our last visit and this would be our last goodbye.  I went home still with hope in my heart thinking he could pull through but I got the call around 7:00 pm.  Rusty stopped breathing. They asked me if I wanted to revive him to come say goodbye.. I said no, the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer any more on my account.  I told them to let him go.  That night I will never forget the searing pain through my heart and the absolute loss I felt.  I was screaming at no one, mad at God for taking him away and in disbelief that it all happened so quickly.  My ex called and just listened as I sobbed on the other end.  I loved Rusty as if he was my child.  He was my child. I had raised him from a puppy.  I will never forget when I first saw him in the animal rescue.  I went to the rescue looking for a golden retriever.  The woman said the only one she had left was the runt of the litter.  She got Rusty out of a cage and put him in front of me.  He was about as small as the palm of my hand.  I initially noticed he was sickly looking and needed care.  I told the lady to take him to the vet and if everything is ok I'll take him.  I went home and called my mom to share this with her and she said "you left him there to die?" so immediately I knew I had to care for him and the next day I picked him up to take him home.  He was half a pound then and riddled with fleas.  I took him home and many vet visits later he became a huge, yellow lab.  Yes, not the retriever I wanted but he was hand picked by God for me.  He ended up to be about 85lbs. We shared 7 wonderful years together until he left me.  Those years I'll never forget and still tear up remembering them even now.  I will end today's blog with the letter I wrote to Rusty after he died.


Rusty,

You were the best dog anyone could ever ask for. I never wanted you to suffer in the end and for that I'm sorry.  I want you to be at peace and wait for me patiently. Now you can play ball to your hearts content and never have to slow down from being tired.
I remember when I got you when you were just 1/2 a pound.  You fit right into the palm of my hand and I looked down and wondered how you would ever grow up to be a big dog.  I watched in wonder as you grew so quickly. I marveled as you were so gentle to everyone.  You loved everyone you met, and everyone loved you.  You are so special to me and will always be in my heart.  The times that I will hold dear are those moments when you were little and I'd carry you around the house.  The times when I had to lift you up on the bed before I got the stairs for you. The moments you'd come to me in the morning and just sit in front of me waiting for your pets. How we shared the bed together and I'd wake up with your head on my shoulder and you snoring in my ear.
You are a wonderful dog.. and you were mine for a spell.  You blessed my life more than you'll ever know.  You patiently sat by my side as I cried embracing you you listened to all my ranting and would wait patiently by the window for me to return whenever I was away.  You greeted me each time I opened the door with smiles, joy and love. I always had to take time to pet you as soon as I got home and I enjoyed every moment of it.
I remember how you smiled whenever I pet your tummy.. you'd get this grin of sheer bliss on your face and then raise your back leg for me to rub your leg. I will never forget it.
I will never forget all our outings to the beach or up north.  You loved riding in the car and loved going to new places.. I am sorry I never got to see you swim. I am also sorry I never gave you the big back yard I always promised you. I am sorry I let you down.
Wait for me Rusty... I always knew you were created just for me and I cherish every memory I spent with you. I love you sweetheart and will miss you all the rest of my life. You did bless me beyond measure.