He's coming to town

I'm scared.  I thought of him this morning as I was driving into work and I got this fear over me and remembered he's driving down here soon.  He will be in the area August 1st.  I am scared on 2 counts.  One I'm scared he might reach out to me and I will fall all over again and Two I'm scared he won't contact me and I'll be shattered.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I still love him.  How does one get over another?  Will I ever stop loving him?  With all of this tragedy surrounding me I fear I'll always feel this way and never advance.  I couldn't talk to my mom today.  She wasn't speaking well so cut the conversation short again.  I'm confused about that as well.  She's at stage 4 cancer with it in her lungs, bones and head yet the Dr.s are saying it's small and manageable.  Really? I never heard that before.  They are starting radiation and chemo is continuing.  I'm just so confused.  I'm scared that I'll start believing the Dr's and end up shocked when she crashes. I'm surrounded by so much SHIT!  I just want to be able to cry in someone's arms who cares......yea... well I will have to settle for a furry hug.  Romeo's been gone now for a full day.  That's the longest he's been gone.  Figures just when I got use to a schedule of his he changes it.. just like a MAN!  I wonder if I will ever have happy days again.  I wonder if I'll ever love someone again and feel so comfortable.  I wonder if there are nice guys out there that aren't addicted to porn, or want to have sex with as many women as they can find.  I wonder.....These have to be the darkest days of my life so far.  When Mom leaves I'll feel so separated and alone.  I really don't know how I'll stand.