Well, here I am. I said I should write this year down in books because it's just too unreal. Instead I'll record it here. I am also finding right now I need to feel I'm heard. I'll use this spot as my voice in the wind. Let me go to the beginning of this dreadful year and start there. Actually it started last year.. preempting the year of 40. I heard on the radio yesterday they wanted people to call in if they ever had a moment of surprise they never saw coming.... that would cover my entire year. But I digress... I'll begin the story.
So, last year right about this time I was blissfully happy. My love of my life had moved in with me and we made a wonderful life together. Don't get me wrong, there were moments I would pause in my head and say really? Can I live with this behavior? Like when he'd scream and pout because I wanted to drive the car (my car) on occasions we'd go out. He always insisted he drove because he was the "man". I let him most of the time thinking it was just his insecurities and that they were more critical then my need for speed. I would also pause when I would catch him watching porn.. really? Then I figured well, what man doesn't? But he would do that some nights instead of coming to bed with me. Again, I excused it for being a man. The other red flag, and the final straw for our relationship was the facebook friends. Yes, he kept all his exes on facebook and some of his prior one night stands as well. See, before I met him he traveled with a Renaissance Faire. Yes, he is one of those. He is a free spirit and in the beginning I figured he would just be a passing faze yet he claimed his devoted love for me and said he gave up that life to live with me. Yes, again, I supported him financially while he was with me.. sucker, I know. Anyway, so all his passing lovers were still facebooking and flirting on his FB. That use to drive me absolutely crazy. Finally, since he would leave his computer on and up, I decided to look on his FB to see what else his "girls" were sending him (the messages off line). I discovered 2 that I was in shock over. One was a detail description a girl had of him in a "dream" that she sent him and the other was an ex saying how she missed him. Both I felt were inappropriate but it wasn't the fact that they e-mailed that upset me but his replies. The first e-mail of the "dream" he corrected the girl and stated what position he would be in with her. (I was so angry) The response to the ex was that he would be lying if he didn't say he thought about those times together and missed them occasionally as well. Reading those I felt the walls closing in on me. When I finally got the nerve to confront him on those he turned to me and said "Well, I think it's time I hit the road again anyway." It was like a splash of ice cold water was thrown in my face. That was the first of the many shocking events that happened. This was back in October. The ironic thing is this happened a couple days before our one year anniversary. So he walked out, and I proceeded that night to dump his crap out on the front stoop for him to pick up. The shock of that entire episode hadn't really worn off for months. I was still grieving the loss in February when my dog got sick.
Let me start this year by also saying there are 2 things in this world I cherish.. or cherished that I knew I'd be shattered without. One was my dog whom I raised since he was a puppy and the other is my Mom whom I've taken care of all my life. My mother has always been sick with some ailment and I've been the one to step in and care for her. In fact at one point I felt I gave up a lot of my social life and my youth taking care of her. But I don't regret it. She is a wonderful woman and my best friend. Anyway, those two things I had always told my now ex were the 2 that I would be crushed to pieces if anything happened to either one of them. Well, again now let's go back to February. My dog Rusty started limping. I was concerned and like any other good owner I brought him to the vet right away. While he was at the vet I noticed his pain was getting worse. He was having a hard time laying down and I could just tell he was hurting. I will never forget when the vet techs came in to bring him to x-ray they had to carry him and before he left he looked at me with these eyes that said "I'm not ready to die yet" Well, I was concerned needless to say. The vet however told me he thought that the problem was a ruptured disc in his back and he should be fine in a couple days. I was frantic and yet relieved that Rusty was going to be ok. I asked one more time just to put myself at ease I asked the vet "So this is nothing that will kill him right?" He said no. I trusted his word. It was about that time as well that I found out my Mom had returning lung cancer. My mom had been in serious pain for a while now and her eye started to droop. They took tests and found that she had returning cancer and it was called Pancoast tumor. Well, I did research on it all I could and found the average life expectancy of that is 4 - 8 months.. maybe a year but that the longest survival rate is 5 years. Again I was devastated. So, after the vet visit I went home and slowly Rusty got worse instead of better. Finally, I called the vet mobile and they carried my shaking, weak and sad dog on what would become his last car ride to the vet emergency. At about this time my ex decided to reconnect with me. He had heard my mom was sick and possibly dieing and I guess he either felt guilty or just wanted to get an ego boost.. I'm still not sure which one that is. He started calling me every day and giving me encouragement or just listening as I cried. At the emergency clinic I was told my dog Rusty was bleeding internally and his platelet levels were extremely low. I asked what it looked like for Rusty and they just kept saying they think he'll be fine they just have to get the levels up. They said he's not in crisis mode and everything looks like he'll recover but they have to investigate why he's there. So I figured ok, fix him and bring him back. Well, this was now mid February. My 40th Birthday was coming up and I had plans to celebrate not that month but in the summer (right about now) to go to Paris and Italy with a friend from work to help turn the 40 mark with a remarkable event. It was a remarkable event all right. After hearing every day how Rusty was getting better and every night how he crashed again I finally got the dreaded call. Now mind you I was visiting Rusty at every opportunity I had since the place had visiting hours. I'd bring him food and just lay down on the nasty floor with him hugging him in the cage and telling him to pull through. Valentines day came and my ex surprised me with flowers. I started thinking well, maybe he really does care and is sorry for all he did. WRONG.. but I'll go into that later. Anyway, I went to visit Rusty on my Birthday and thanked him for hanging in there and helping me have a wonderful day since he's still with me. I was on cloud 9 because the Dr.s told me he didn't have cancer and that everything was going to be ok. Well, again, that night he crashed. The next day he refused to lift his head. In fact, every time I went to visit him he looked worse. I kept mentioning that to the nurses there but they just shrugged me off and said he's doped up on drugs and can't feel pain, but I knew better. Anyway, the day after my birthday I went down to visit Rusty and it was like he was a zombie. I knew he wouldn't be with me long then. I kept telling him he can't leave me here that I needed him to help me through what's going on with Mom but I knew. I knew this was our last visit and this would be our last goodbye. I went home still with hope in my heart thinking he could pull through but I got the call around 7:00 pm. Rusty stopped breathing. They asked me if I wanted to revive him to come say goodbye.. I said no, the last thing I wanted was for him to suffer any more on my account. I told them to let him go. That night I will never forget the searing pain through my heart and the absolute loss I felt. I was screaming at no one, mad at God for taking him away and in disbelief that it all happened so quickly. My ex called and just listened as I sobbed on the other end. I loved Rusty as if he was my child. He was my child. I had raised him from a puppy. I will never forget when I first saw him in the animal rescue. I went to the rescue looking for a golden retriever. The woman said the only one she had left was the runt of the litter. She got Rusty out of a cage and put him in front of me. He was about as small as the palm of my hand. I initially noticed he was sickly looking and needed care. I told the lady to take him to the vet and if everything is ok I'll take him. I went home and called my mom to share this with her and she said "you left him there to die?" so immediately I knew I had to care for him and the next day I picked him up to take him home. He was half a pound then and riddled with fleas. I took him home and many vet visits later he became a huge, yellow lab. Yes, not the retriever I wanted but he was hand picked by God for me. He ended up to be about 85lbs. We shared 7 wonderful years together until he left me. Those years I'll never forget and still tear up remembering them even now. I will end today's blog with the letter I wrote to Rusty after he died.
Rusty,
You were the best dog anyone could ever ask for. I never wanted you to suffer in the end and for that I'm sorry. I want you to be at peace and wait for me patiently. Now you can play ball to your hearts content and never have to slow down from being tired.
I remember when I got you when you were just 1/2 a pound. You fit right into the palm of my hand and I looked down and wondered how you would ever grow up to be a big dog. I watched in wonder as you grew so quickly. I marveled as you were so gentle to everyone. You loved everyone you met, and everyone loved you. You are so special to me and will always be in my heart. The times that I will hold dear are those moments when you were little and I'd carry you around the house. The times when I had to lift you up on the bed before I got the stairs for you. The moments you'd come to me in the morning and just sit in front of me waiting for your pets. How we shared the bed together and I'd wake up with your head on my shoulder and you snoring in my ear.
You are a wonderful dog.. and you were mine for a spell. You blessed my life more than you'll ever know. You patiently sat by my side as I cried embracing you you listened to all my ranting and would wait patiently by the window for me to return whenever I was away. You greeted me each time I opened the door with smiles, joy and love. I always had to take time to pet you as soon as I got home and I enjoyed every moment of it.
I remember how you smiled whenever I pet your tummy.. you'd get this grin of sheer bliss on your face and then raise your back leg for me to rub your leg. I will never forget it.
I will never forget all our outings to the beach or up north. You loved riding in the car and loved going to new places.. I am sorry I never got to see you swim. I am also sorry I never gave you the big back yard I always promised you. I am sorry I let you down.
Wait for me Rusty... I always knew you were created just for me and I cherish every memory I spent with you. I love you sweetheart and will miss you all the rest of my life. You did bless me beyond measure.
No comments:
Post a Comment