She's back in the hospital

Just when I'm starting to get focused on me.. she is back in the hospital.  I swear God wants me to be an emotional cripple.  I don't know what to feel anymore.  I was so desperate this weekend that I called a root reader.. that's right.  I do still believe all are spirits and some people are gifted with more insight then others.  She said this is the dark before the dawn.. that this is the transformation stage of my life.. transformation? Transformation? What the hell?  I don't want any part of this! NONE!  I'm tired.. so tired of crying, of hurting, of yearning, of dreaming, of hoping, of everything... just tired.

I have lost my faith in Man

Again I'm reminded men are cheating scum!  Someone mentioned a soap opera I never expected from people whom I thought were above cheating.. yet... they did and expect to in the future.  Not only did they but 5 more men cheated as well.  Why?  Why am I surrounded by men who cheat on their wives?  Is this said of all men?  All men who are able?  It's terrible!  I might as well stay single and alone if this is the best God has to offer!  Didn't he create them in his image?  Why then this trait?  What is the reason?  Where does it stem from?  Greed, ego? What?

I know how you feel

Don't you hate when people tell you that?  I am so mad.  Someone told me yesterday that they understand and know how I feel.. that they were there before.. I felt like saying No,  your parents are alive and healthy.  All of the situations you were in you caused yourself.  You have absolutely no idea where I am.. NO CLUE!  I am just so mad.  There is nothing I've done that has put me in this situation.  If anything I have always tried to be the person doing the "right" thing.  I have always tried to be the best at giving my all.  And my reward?  SHIT!

Heart Scar

I never really realized what a heart scar was until now.  Those are injuries to the heart that you'll never truly get over.  I would consider this entire year one big heart scar! Losing Rusty, heart scar. Losing Roy twice, heart scar. Mom dieing of cancer, heart scar. Auntie and her heart attack and stroke, heart scar.  I am an open wound that may never heal.

My promise to myself

If this is all that life is.. I vow to travel all I can come next year.  Once my debt for Rusty is paid I will take the time to enjoy life and all that every location has to offer.  If that's what my life comes down to then so be it.

To my Aunt, words she may never hear or now understand...

My Aunt has just suffered from a stroke.  I am told that she no longer can speak and her vision is limited.  Yesterday she wasn't even recognizing people, but today I think she's better.  Her speech may never come back.  For confidentiality sake I am calling her Auntie.
Auntie, I feel I am morning a part of you that is no longer there.  My heart breaks as I know you miss your independence.  You were such a strong lady who could overcome any problems with a shrug of your shoulders.  Now, your found knocking on neighbors doors without knowing who or where you are.  I will never forget our time on the cruise.  How we would relax and enjoy all that was around us and pick on Mom as she had men try to pick her up.  I will never forget your fiery spirit that is willing and capable of fighting any adversity.  I am hoping it is still there.  I've been told it may come back after 6 or 8 months, that your personality and speech may return, or it may not.  I love you and miss you.  You are always a part of my heart as I have always thought of you as my second mother.  I always knew you would be on my side whenever I stood up for Mom and everyone else was on Dad's side.  I always knew you had my back and I appreciated that.  I really felt your love when you stood up to Dad in the hospital the one time he wanted to hurt me after I defended Mom's wishes while she was recovering from the transplant.  I could always trust you to take care of mom when I couldn't.  For all of those times I thank you! I love you and hope you will return to us soon!

Emotionally spent

I don't have any tears to cry.  My Aunt is fighting for her life and suffering from a stroke and I don't have any more tears to cry.  I wish I did... I love my Aunt as my second mother.  She's always been there for me.  I should have more tears but I don't.. I'm so so sorry.  I think my body is just in shock.  Maybe I'm still just in the numb stage and nothing has hit yet.  Maybe I'm in crisis mode and won't crash until later.  I don't know...

Calm

A calm has set over my heart.  I was in Facebook and came across the messages my ex and I exchanged.  I had this calm feeling too that it's still not over.  I don't know why it's comforting but I still believe there is more to be played out.  Only time will tell.  Of course I won't tell many people this because everyone will think I'm crazy to even consider or think about this.  Work is going by so fast that the weeks fly by.  I have so many things to do that it's lunchtime before I know it and then I look up and it's time to go home.  I guess it's good I'm diving so deep into my work.  It's better than feeling sorry for myself.

Dreams

I hate when you have a dream that's so real you wake up and believe it. Then a few seconds later reality hits.  Right before my grandmother died my mom would dream about her Dad that had passed away.  I dreamed last night of Uncle Myron.  I dreamed he was alive and ended up in the hospital the same time Mom did.  I dreamed he had a stroke instead of the cancer he died of.  I also dreamed I was there visiting with him.  It was the winter time because he commented on the snow.  I dreamed I was spending time with him before he left.  He was calming me down and stroking my hair.  I woke up and instantly thought I better call my uncle to tell him about the dream.  Then, reality hit. He's been dead for over 8 years now.  My heart hurt.  I got scared too.  Like I said, my family starts having dreams of the dead before someone goes away.  I have a feeling her time is in the winter.  I hope to God I'm wrong.  Needless to say that's been a cloud hanging over my head all day.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake it.  I cried this morning not only for my mom but for missing my uncle as well.  And life goes on doesn't it?  But at what quality?

Why do people dwell in ignorance?

I will tell you right now Dr.'s are just as human as you and I. I don't trust them. Knowing all of the mistakes they have made on others we love how can it be that my family still trusts them completely without question?  What kind of crap is that?  I call it laziness!  Do some damn research and find out what is good and what is not.  Don't just trust someone blindly.  That is hiding in ignorance.  It's very frustrating to watch!  Oh well, I wish I knew how to walk through that minefield of my family.  I can walk through any other minefield except my own families.  Why is that?

Blue Scorpion Venom

Ok folks.. looks like I'm planning a trip to Cuba.. that's right I said Cuba!  I heard they are producing the Blue Scorpion Venom serum that actually fights cancer.  It's incredible.  Someone at work who's from Cuba said she went and got it for her mom and her mom is getting better!  Of course it's a little intimidating to go but I will if it will help Mom.  I'll do anything for her!  I'm seeing how much the trip costs.  I can't believe it.  Can you imagine how paralyzed I'd feel if I didn't have a passport?  Wow, it's amazing that I just got mine last year!  Well, will keep you posted.  I'm kinda excited for this new adventure!  Cuba, here I come!