Everything is about money!

I want to know why it's so damn difficult to close transactions on behalf of my mother when the accounts are under my name anyway.. WTF! I can't stand this!  This is so damn irritating!  Plus, my car dealer was going to rip me off $500 if I hadn't noticed it wasn't included in the car details!  WTF?  So now I have a check coming.. everything is just so damn hard!

Exhausted

Emotionally I'm exhausted.  I'm numb still.. thinking it never did happen.  I am in a daze whenever I have to tell someone my mother is dead.  Really? my mind asks... really? she's gone? YES, I say back, she's gone!
 I also made mistakes at work lately.. me who prides herself on not making mistakes made 2 embarrassing ones. I hate that.  I'm planning my next massage.. that's coming up on Tuesday.. here's hoping it's more :) lol the unknown is kinda exciting!
I'm also planning an all inclusive vacation away.. all inclusive being men, food, stay and drink!  I figure they are safer than picking up strangers at a bar lol.  Besides, I want people to wait on me hand and foot.  I think I deserve that!  It's not the idea of the "exercise" that I'm looking forward to but just the attention and not having to do anything for it. lol Just be there and have people try to engage me in conversation and make sure I'm feeling comfortable.  I've been doing that for people all my life.. now it's my turn lol

Taking what I want

I've decided I am no longer waiting to see what life has in store for me.  I'm going to just go after what I want.. for instance.. I had the most awesome.. mind numbing, toe curling massage you could ever want.  I will no longer be dictated by needs unfulfilled.. I will take control of my life and take care of me.  I am now the most important person in my life...All the others have left me.

Will I ever care again?

When you lose everything you cherish there isn't anything left to care about.  I'm left empty, emotionless and alone.  I grieve for the return of life as I knew it a year ago.  Instead I sit here.  I have forgetful friends.  Two of them made plans to spend time with me this week and weekend and I think both of them forgot.  I don't have the energy to remind them either....will it ever feel better?

Still frozen

I still feel like I'm not here.. as if I am watching this horrific movie.  When I'm at work I can escape and pretend everything is ok.. when I go home I am just here.  I've never kept a frown before in my life yet now I can't stop.  I'm not happy, I'm not joyful. I'm empty.  I care less about my ex now. I realized I hadn't picked well because I really didn't need a person to depend on.. I had my mom.  Now, I'm left with nothing. None of my ex's were ever worth anything really.  I believe I'm finally realizing this about my latest.  I really don't want him back.  I'm starting to realize I don't like him at all and that he's more my father than any of them I've dated before.  I miss you Mom.  I'm so ... so... empty.  I don't know if I'll ever enjoy life again.

Breakdown

It's terrible when you break down to complete strangers!  I mean I feel like I"m putting such a burden on a complete stranger to hear my woes.  I had to go to the bank today and present her death certificate.. I never realized what an emotional event that would be for me.  I literally cried in the bankers office for at least an hour.  She was extremely nice about it.. an angel.  One more dark day in the black chapters of my book.

She's gone.....my mother is gone..........

I have no more feelings... I am a zombie now normally and when I'm not I am crying.  I miss her so much! People just don't realize how close I was to my mother.. she was my best friend!  She was my family.. my only connection to my family back home.  She was a HUGE part of my life.  I don't know what to feel.. I don't know how to act.. I honestly don't know what to live for.  I'm not suicidal but if a car ran me over right now I wouldn't really care.  Everything else in my life is menial.  The only things keeping me going are my pets and my job.. neither of them can I take with me to heaven and neither of them are big defining elements in life.. but yet that is what my existence right now boils down to.  She is gone...