Empty

The weekend comes.. along with the pain in my heart.  I miss her so much!  This is so hard to do!

Rumors

I can't stand people who start rumors just for the hell of it.  I can't believe the same people are spreading the same shit about me even after I addressed it head on months ago and corrected them.  I'm at a loss.  I'm so frustrated and pissed that it's just not funny.  I am starting to hate this place just because I am getting overworked, doing the job of 2 and now even my personality is coming into question.  This never happened before!

Bad day

Today is extremely emotional for me.  I visited a friend and ended up catching her husband up on all that had happened to me this year... needless to say I was tearing up sometimes.  So, I get in my car, turn on the radio and the song Immortal from Evanstance is on... it's at the chorus that talks about being there for you always...that's all it took for me to cry hysterically the rest of the way home.  I just stopped crying in fact and am exhausted.. so much for venturing out.. I don't think I'll do that again for a while.

Fishing

Why do people fish for information?  Why don't they just ask?  Are they chicken? Embarrassed? The reason is I find out my ex is now fishing for information about me and what's going on.. mind you he knew my mom had passed away a while ago and has said NOTHING about it.. no sympathy card, no I'm sorry it didn't work out between us but I heard about your Mom and I'm sorry your going through this.. how hard is that?  This just proves that he's an ass who only cares about himself and never gives a damn about anyone else!

I caught a smile

I actually caught myself smiling today on the way home.  A face I'm not use to having lately.  As soon as I recognized it it was gone.  Memories and sadness rushed to the forefront again creating the frown I'm all too familiar with lately.

Lawyers!

Why is it that lawyers feel like they don't have any obligation to respond quickly to your requests?  Aren't we their customers?  Aren't we paying them?  So why do they feel they don't need to spend too much attention to your needs?  I'm confused!  Currently I have 2 cases I want them to work on.  Hired them for over two weeks ago and am still waiting on them developing a contract for the second one but it just seems they are dragging their feet!

Foresight or not?

I have a strange feeling.. It's not a feeling I've had before only after my ex Bozo left.  I felt him coming home.  I don't know why, but yesterday and last night I felt like I did when waiting for him to come home.  It was almost like I knew or expected him to come home after a hard days work.  Very strange.  I don't know where that came from.  Especially since I'm very aggravated and upset that that insensitive retard knows that my mother has passed away and never even sent a card or a sorry or nothing.  That's a man that is solely focused on him and his wants and needs.  Very selfish and self centered.  So, knowing this I certainly hope it's not foresight.
I am also starting conversations with my mother.  I know she's gone but I can here her as if she's here.  I don't know if it's just me knowing what she'd say or not so I find sometimes I am answering her back.  Very strange I know.  Anyway, I just wanted to document my feelings to check what they are.  I really hope, unless he's changed significantly, that it's not foresight.

It's like a broken record that I am forced to play

I want to call Mom so bad and share with her all of my activities throughout the day.  I want to hear her opinions. I wan her take on things.  I want her still in my life!!!  Yet I have to catch myself and say, no, she is not there any longer.  No one will answer that phone call.  No one is on the other line! 

One good day

You know, I have finally had one good day.  I have been in an up mood all day, I met my friend for dinner and had a lovely time and I'm still in a good mood at the end of the day.  This is the first day I've been like this.  I do feel the clouds are lifting over my eyes and I'm starting to see, feel, breath again.

Ummm WOW!

Let the pampering begin!  I had my first thorough massage in my life!  That had to be the best experience I've had in a long long time! WOW!  I'm exhausted and ready for bed!  After 2 hours of that I forgot my name, let alone my troubles! lol  Needless to say that is a permanent scheduled event monthly!  I say monthly because I don't think I can take much more than that! lol  Off to sleep and dream!  Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day at work.  <Let's hope> I'm sure I'll have a smile on my face all day.. plus a certain glow lolol ;)  Who needs a boyfriend when you have a male masseuse?  I'm just saying... lol  I realize my ex boyfriend wasn't all that much either lol

Weekend Tears

Every weekend is full of tears, every weekend is full of pain as the memories flood my mind and the loss is fresh and constantly on my mind.  It's as if I'm on hold the entire week, saved from the sadness and it wait's and pounces me on the weekend taking over everything I do.  I do feel like however that I can begin doing my normal activities again.  I've taken care of the back yard, which is a start.  Next weekend I'll do more.  Either do the new exercise or replant the plant that was at my mom's funeral.  I don't know which I'll do.. maybe both.  I know I have my massage tomorrow.. I am very excited about that!  I hope it's a good one!  I hope it's more than I expect! <giggle> I could use some excitement and thrill right now.  Speaking of which I have my flight arrangements all set for the vacation of a lifetime!  Including Male Angels! lol  I'm feeling so liberating!  Also, my ex (idiot) sent me a Linked In invite.  I then sent it back and asked him what that was.. he said it must have been an automatic response and that he didn't send it.. Bullshit!  I have Linked In and it asks me to confirm that's who I want to send to.  He's full of shit!  That's ok... I'm definitely at the point I don't need or want him back.  He never pampered me and that's exactly what I need, complete pampering!  Honestly I don't think there is a man out there able to treat me the way I need to be treated!  With honesty, respect, loyalty, consideration and putting me first before them.  What men don't realize is once you do that to a woman the woman then in turn puts your needs in front of hers.. in fact I tend to do that even if they are retards and selfish.. that's why No MORE!  NO MORE spoiling others.. now it's spoiling me!